


Insecurity

by ttfan111robstar1



Series: Little Boy Light [8]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Crying, F/M, Gen, Insecurity, Nursing, Regressive Behaviors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22891165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ttfan111robstar1/pseuds/ttfan111robstar1
Summary: Light overhears a part of a conversation and gets the wrong idea, causing his insecurities to act up.
Relationships: Amane Misa/Yagami Light
Series: Little Boy Light [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1637545
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Insecurity

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for coming for another round of little!Light.
> 
> I wasn't expecting this story to go so deep into the why's of breastfeeding, but it really went there and it was a very passionate (albeit surprising) part of this story. I was impressed with Misa's resolve and determination to do whatever it took to be able to nurse, and I was even more impressed by her absolute self confidence in the act. I never expected to find out why Light asked her for that, or how she started lactating, but it happened.
> 
> I have no idea if there are any breastfeeding Mama's reading this right now, but if you are and you're struggling with your self confidence, I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you're definitely not alone, and that you nourishing your child is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You are a brave, beautiful, strong Mama warrior who is keeping her baby healthy, and you should be proud of that instead of feeling ashamed. Your journey with your baby is your own, and you do what's best for the both of you. You are loved.
> 
> Enjoy the story, folks!

There were only a handful of things that Light contemplated seriously while in his headspace.

Diapers was one of them, as he often found himself debating whether he wanted them or not when he was having a little day. Playtime was another, as choosing the most fun games was of great importance to him. But the one thing he contemplated that he never actually did was contemplate what being a baby would be like.

Oh, he knew he had a few aspects of babyhood, with loving his Binky and enjoying milks, but he’d contemplated many a time what it would be like to completely be a baby. Diaper changes, cuddles, milks, being fed. It didn’t necessarily sound bad to him, but most of the time, he enjoyed the independence of being a little boy and still getting lots of help from Mama. Most days, the debate settled itself in his mind.

But not today.

It was Thursday, during nap time. Sissy had come over to meet with Mama and said night night to him before his nap and Mama had tucked him in. He hadn’t quite been able to get to sleep. Frustrated, he’d decided to go out to the kitchen to see if Mama would let him miss his nap today, when he’d heard Mama and sissy talking.

“Do you ever think about having a baby?”

He’d stopped dead in his tracks just outside the kitchen, listening.

“Of course I have. I don’t know any woman who hasn’t.”

“What do you think about it?”

“It would be fun, I’m sure. The kissing, the cuddling, the feedings. Babies are adorable. Now that I’ve got the mom instincts it’s hard to turn them off sometimes when I see one. I can picture it in my head, you know? A little baby to snuggle and cuddle all day. I’d love that.” She said.

Light felt his heart skip a few beats, and ran back to his bedroom, tears pouring down his face but not making a sound.

Oblivious, Sayu and Misa continued talking.

“So why don’t you have one?” Sayu asked.

Misa sipped her coffee. “Because most days, Light’s enough for me. I get a little bit of that world with him, and I still get to see his little boy side having fun. I think if I had a baby it would make this so much harder. I’d have to balance attention and time with him and the baby and it would just be too much to handle. I’m happy with the way things are now.”

Light buried his head under his covers and stuffed Binky into his mouth as a dozen thoughts went through his head. Mama wanted a baby? Mama wanted a new baby to love? He wasn’t enough? He suckled frantically on Binky. He didn’t want Mama to have a baby! A new baby would make Mama so busy and then she’d forget him and he’d be all alone! He didn’t want to be alone! He suckled frantically on Binky as he tried to sort through all this information.

It took a long time for babies to get borned, right? So maybe there was still time. Maybe... Maybe if he showed Mama that he could be a baby too, she wouldn’t get another and leave him all alone? Maybe if he could be a good enough baby, Mama would change her mind and keep him. The wheels in his head began turning. This was a good plan. Now all he had to do was remember what babies did. He started looking through his big self’s memories of when Sayu was a baby. Mostly she cried a lot when she was tired or hungry or wet. He certainly thought he could do that. And babies crawled everywhere, right? He could do that too. They had milks a lot, but he did that already. And Binky too, so he was good at that part. And they had to wait for grown ups for everything. He could do that too.

He shifted in his bed. He had his diaper on now and kind of had to go. He shut his eyes for a minute, concentrating, before he was able to let go and use his diaper. There. Good. When it got uncomfy he could cry and Mama would come and give him a change and cuddles.

It didn’t take long for his diaper to start cooling off and even less time for him to start crying. His emotions were so great, his tiredness overwhelming, and his upset so paramount that it wouldn’t be hard to find reasons to cry today.

Misa heard his crying and was up immediately, going to him hurriedly. When he spied her, he reached his arms out to her, sobbing. Immediately, she pulled him into a hug.

“What’s the matter, sweetie?” She cooed. He didn’t answer her, crying too hard. At first, she thought it might have been a nightmare that had woken him, before she crossed that off of her internal checklist. It was far too soon for him to wake from a nightmare. Then, she remembered his diaper, and did a quick check. Sure enough, he needed a change. A bit calmer now that she knew what the problem was, she got out his changing supplies and set about changing him.

When she finished, he was still whimpering and reaching for her, so she pulled him into her lap. “It’s alright now.” She cooed. “Mama’s here.”

He locked his arms around her neck and his legs around her waist, scared to let go.

“What’s got my sweet boy so upset, huh?”

He didn’t answer. He just held her tighter. She rubbed his back. “It’s okay. It’s alright.” She promised.

Sayu appeared in the doorway. “Everything okay?”

“I’m not sure. He needed a change but I think he’s just tired.”

Sayu went in and sat beside them. “Are you tired, sweetie?” She cooed.

He was quiet, and Sayu looked mildly concerned.

“He’s just feeling clingy, I think.”

Sayu nodded. “I understand.”

The two of them cooed at him for a while, and slowly, his grip on Misa loosened. That, at least, was a good sign. She pulled away from him gently.

“Hey baby boy, what were all those tears about, huh?” She cooed, wiping a few from his face. He didn’t feel like answering, so he buried his face in her neck and fiddled with her shirt.

“He’s not getting sick, is he?” Sayu asked. Misa gently pried his face from her neck, earning a whine of protest when she did, before feeling his forehead.

“He doesn’t feel warm. He’s probably just tired.” She guessed.

Light tugged on her shirt with a whine. Misa looked at him. “What, sweetie?” He tugged again, letting out a whimper. It clicked then, what he wanted. “Do you want milks?”  
  
Another whine, far more desperate than the other two. Clearly that was a yes. She looked to Sayu. “Do you want to…?”  
  
“I’ll stand outside the door.” She said.  
  
Misa nodded, and Sayu moved to just outside the bedroom door. Misa lifted her shirt and unhooked her front-hooked bra, and he eagerly began to nurse from her.  
  
Sayu spoke up. “Not to get too personal, but… How exactly did that start? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”  
  
“No, it’s fine.” She said. “It was a little before this whole thing started. We were in the market and there was a woman nursing her baby by the exit. I don’t think he’d ever seen something like that before. After this started, he remembered that and asked me if I did. I told him I did and he told me it made him feel weird in some way he couldn’t explain. It was quite a while afterward when he asked me if he could try nursing from me. I was… very surprised, but if he wanted to try it I wasn’t going to say no. I told him there wouldn’t be any milk there, but he did it anyways, and it… It created this whole new type of connection.”  
  
“How so?”  
  
“Well…” Misa had to think about it for a little while. “When I was little, I had an aunt who nursed my cousin. I didn’t understand what it was because I was like six at the time, and she explained to me that it was how babies were meant to eat. Other than that I never really had any experience with nursing, and just kind of… accepted it as the way things were. My aunt and cousin died in a car crash about two years later, and she still nursed my cousin, even then. It made me understand that there was this very intense connection involved in it, and until I started nursing, I had no idea what it was like. But for me… It’s like a sign that I can be everything he needs.

I was very worried when this all started that I wouldn’t do enough or say enough or _be_ enough for him. But when he started nursing from me it was kind of like this wake up call. Like, he’s not focused on anything else, and I’m giving him comfort and, when I started lactating, milk. And I realized that my fear and my worry were totally stupid because right in that moment, I was enough for him. I didn’t think I would be enough, but I was. So every time it happens it’s like being told I’m enough, and it’s like I’m telling him that I’m here to give him whatever he needs to be happy and healthy.”

“Wow… That’s really amazing. I never thought about it like that. I never thought about it at all really but… That’s really cool. How did you start lactating, anyways? Isn’t that like impossible if you’re not pregnant?”

“It wasn’t easy. I took my birth control with four dosages of domperidone a day for a while. Then I stopped the birth control for a few weeks and took three Fenugreek Seed capsules three times a day and I used a hospital-grade double electric pump to stimulate milk production. I eat oatmeal three times a week to keep the milk supply up. After it started working I slowly decreased the domperidone, and that was that.”  
  
“You went through all that for him?” Sayu sounded incredulous.  
  
“I’d do anything for him. When I figured out that this was going to be a part of his headspace I did the research and did what I had to do to keep it up. Even though he’s not little all of the time, it works out well. I usually donate the milk I pump to moms who can’t breastfeed or just adopted. It ended up not just helping us, it helped a lot of other moms who can’t do what I can do.” She said.  
  
“That’s amazing.” Sayu was smiling, Misa could tell.  
  
“It may not be normal but it works out well for us. I don’t really care about what other people might think about it. Our journey is ours, and it will stop when he’s ready. I’m really proud of what I’m doing and what I can give both him and other moms by doing it.” Misa said softly.  
  
“You’re a pretty awesome mom.” Sayu said.  
  
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.” Misa said softly.

“No problem.”  
  
Misa looked down at Light and was both surprised and pleased to find him asleep, still attempting to nurse from her after apparently having fallen asleep during their conversation. Carefully, so as not to wake him, she grabbed his Binky from nearby and quickly switched it out for her breast. Mercifully, he didn’t stir, and she slowly lowered him down into her lap. Using her freehand, she fumbled to try and re-hook her bra, but eventually got it and pulled down her shirt.  
  
“He’s asleep. You can come back in.” Misa said.

Sayu came in to find her brother sleeping soundly in Misa’s lap. She smiled at the sight.  
  
“Well, looks like he was tired.”  
  
“Yeah. Do you want to go back out and I’ll be there once I detangle him from me?”  
  
“Sure.” Sayu nodded, and took her leave.  
  
Misa then focused her attention on Light. Carefully, she adjusted her position to get out from under him, and slowly wormed her way out from beneath him. That done, all that was left to do was pry his fingers from her shirt. Slowly, one by one, she plucked them off and attempted to replace her shirt with his blanket.  
  
It was a mistake.  
  
The second he lost contact with her, his eyes flew open and he started to cry again. Misa scrambled to comfort him, giving him kisses, telling him it was alright, that it was just nap time, but he wasn’t having it. He clung to her desperately, as though the second he let go she would vanish into thin air.

She pulled him into her arms immediately after that, not knowing what else to do. She knew now, however, that it was no nightmare that had woken him. Clearly his fear of abandonment had taken hold of him now. She sat back down, mentally giving Sayu an apology for not being there.  
  
“Sweetie? Why are you scared?”  
  
The conversations about feelings of abandonment always began this way. It forced him to really think about why he was feeling what he was. This time, he didn’t answer. _That_ frightened her. He always had an answer to that question right off the bat. She put her hand under his chin.  
  
“Baby, look at Mama please.” It was a gentle coo.  
  
Slowly, he did so.

“Why are you so upset, sweetie pie? You need to tell Mama why, or else she can’t fix it. Please tell Mama. It makes Mama sad to see her baby so upset.” She said, staring him in the eye the entire time.

He saw the sadness in Mama’s eyes, and did believe her, but what if him talking made it worse? He didn’t want to mess things up and make them bad.  
  
She saw the fear in his eyes, but it wasn’t the same as his usual look when his fear of abandonment kicked in. There was something else there. She stroked his cheek gently. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together.” She promised.

The certainty in Mama’s eyes gave him his voice back. “Don’ wanna be r’placed.”  
  
“Replaced? Sweetie, why do you think you’re going to be replaced?”  
  
“Heard you an’ Sissy talkin’…”  
  
“Wha-“ Then it clicked. “Oh, sweetie. You only heard part of the conversation.” She adjusted him to settle him in her lap. “I did say it would be fun to have a baby, but what you didn’t hear was when I said that you were enough for me. It might be fun to have a baby around, sure, but you make me feel like I’m not missing out on a thing. We get to nurse, we get to play, we get to do things together. You get to do lots of things babies can’t do, and you do some of the things they do already. To me, you’re everything I could have asked for. You will never be replaced, because nobody could ever take your place. I love you just the way you are. Okay?”

Slowly, Light nodded and slumped against her. She looked up and noticed Sayu, mouthing the word “sorry” to her. Sayu waved it off. This was far more important.  
  
“Mama will never replace you, sweetheart. If you ever get scared about that again, you come talk to me, okay?”  
  
“‘Kay, Mama.”  
  
“Are you ready for your nap now?”  
  
He nodded. “Mama stay?"  
  
She looked up to Sayu, who nodded. Then, she looked down at him. “Alright baby, Mama will stay.  
  
With that, the two of them laid down, and Light finally fell asleep.


End file.
